So there we were. At odds. In disagreement. Not on the same page. So many thoughts going through my mind of “how could I leave my career” and also “I know he is right and taking care of two small children must be so hard on my mom.” I don’t remember how long we sat. I don’t remember how upset I was, or what else I may have said. I do remember Officer T telling me I should “talk to someone” about what he was asking of me.
I pondered on the conversation. I remember I texted a friend from church, Christy, who I knew would give me Godly wise counsel and hold me accountable in the ways I would need to be, and I also texted a non believing friend who I knew would tell me quitting my job was preposterous. Christy told me she could meet in person and the non believing friend went back and forth with me through text about how unfair this was. I only add that in here because we all do it. We want to go to people who will affirm us and agree with us in the hard. But sometimes we need to go to the people we know will give it to us lovingly straight.
I met with Christy and she was so patient and kind to me. I don’t remember a lot of the conversation, but she asked a lot of questions and ultimately encouraged me to lovingly submit to my husband, as the bible calls me to. She also handed me a book called ‘The fruit of her hands’ by Nancy Wilson. The book was short, so I decided to read it within a couple days. It was convicting and lovingly calling me to look at my own sin, and keep my eyes on what God’s word called me to do. I understood the assignment, but in my heart, I still rebelled. I did not want to quit.
But listen, go back with me for a moment for a brief view of life through my limited lens.
I was raised by a mom who worked three jobs, and went to cosmetology school most of my little years. As I grew older she was able let go of so many jobs and start her career. That sustained us with government assistance. What I saw was that my mom worked HARD and she never let up.
When I decided on law enforcement I was only 19 years old. I joined a part time police academy at the age of 20 because a department wouldn’t hire me until I was 21. Doing the academy part time allowed me to still work. I had two jobs during the day and I went to the academy at night. This was the grind, and I was okay with it, because this is what I thought life was about…HARD WORK. I have two older “half” brothers I am very close to. I quote the word half because that word has never been a part of my vocabulary. We just don’t have the same biological mom, but those are my brothers, period. My dad raised them on his own before he married my mom when they were in their late teens. My brothers helped raised me and they were very much “when you fall, get up, pull your boot straps tighter and get back to work” kind of siblings. It served me well. Love them for it.
I moved out of my house when I was 17 years old to go to college. After I went to college for a year I went back home for a bit and then left again at 19. I had lived on my own ever since. My entire young adult life was about me and my career as a police officer. There was a lot of life lived in those early years, but my priority was the job. I worked hard, I was given a lot of opportunities, I trained new officers how to be proficient in public service, and I loved it. I loved it all.
But God had other plans. Seems cheesy to say that, but there truly is no other way to explain the radical shift the Lord had for me.
I pondered so many things in my mind over and over again those days I was off, after Officer T and I had talked. In anger I thought, “fine. I’ll quit” and then I would cry and think “I cannot even imagine what everyone will think of me.” This happened over and over again. I tried to pray, but I was so scatter brained, it was hard to keep my thoughts straight. I called my mom and explained to her what Officer T asked of me. In my mind I imagined her telling me how disappointed she would be for me to “throw away” my career. To my surprise, my mom was elated. She was so ecstatic and happy for me. She told me she missed so much of my life because she had to work that if my husband was allowing me the opportunity to stay home and raise my children, I needed to take it. This brought an immense peace over me. But don’t get me wrong, I was still “mad”.
It was the first time in my life I had to fully surrender and “die to self” and I did not want to.
In John 12 we read about what happened after Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. Those who saw that miracle followed Jesus into Jerusalem and believed in Him. Greeks were among the crowds and asked Philip to see Jesus. I’m sure the Greeks would have heard all the chatter about Jesus performing miracles and wanted to know what’s up. Jesus said to them in verse 25 “Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. 26 If anyone serves me, he must follow me…”.
I didn’t know this story or these verses at the time I was going through this, but how kind of the Lord to still do a work in me in this exact way. To loose my life, my identity, in order to gain it in Christ.
(to be continued…)
SarahNakamura 